What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 22:13
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So, i spoilt her more .
I don,t even have a pension.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot live in the past .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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My life is so biszare .
My family never makes their pension either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why is there a housing crisis in Europe?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Would this be the day?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When she asked me how she looked .
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It was going to be , some day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I said to her
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I will be 64.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She wouldn,t have been !
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
What did i know ?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Put me off passion for life!!
I write beautiful poetry .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He knew the spot.
Im still living with it.
She loved him until the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We all went to grammer schools
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But, we were locked up after school.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Comes on , in middle age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I think the readers, may guess!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was seconnd youngest,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I waited trembling.
Ive learnt so much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was 9 years of age.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i lived it daily.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was very sick at this time too.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is soul school!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She married twice! .
We were not on the streets..
I was scared of men, in general
But it wasn’t much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She found it foreign!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!